Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Motorcycle Math

May 7, 2013

First, don’t just read this poem. Browse a few of my older postings. Some of these compositions took me almost 10 minutes to write…

When you ride a motorcycle you are constantly using mathematics to, well, let’s just say ‘figure stuff’. Always remember 7 out of 5 bikers are good at math.

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Price tag says ten thousand dollars,
Harley shares, use put-call collars.
Forty eight of months is due-
Two ‘oh eight plus interest slew.

Three fifty eight a gallon now,
One eighty miles this bike will plough.
Insurance rates to drain my stash-
The wife demands her weekly cash.

Numbers take me for a cruise;
Of torque my wheels for spin, do use;
At fifty five the m-p-g,
Makes bureaucrats exhaust with glee!

Maintenance expenses climb;
Constraints prioritize shop time.
Dizzying formulas do compose-
A ride; no fractals can enclose.

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Road Glide Haiku #2

August 28, 2012

This is Road Glide Haiku #2 because I can’t remember if I wrote a #1-. As most of you know, my humorous poems aren’t that funny; and this is another one. I really like the Harley Road Glide and would get one if I could figure out how to pay for it…

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Road Glides cool but cost!

Just three types of Harley guys-

Good at math or lost.

Deep Future Riders

January 26, 2012

If you are a REAL motorcycle rider, you know of several esoteric riding issues that future generations need to know about. For instance, our riding prodigy living say, in the year 50000 AD need to know that once you exceed a width of 280mm on your back tire, your maneuverability goes down hill fast! Things like that… Old re-runs of Kudlow on CNBC won’t do the trick! So here’s a message to our far distant riding kin. Hope it gets passed along; except by The New Yorker poetry editor. I’m sure he/she will turn up their nose at this masterpiece

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Yes we had bugs, back in the day of acid rain;

Fat and juicy – hit your face with frightening pain.

Fix we did but quickly, this menace great!

Before our eyes a screen of plastic plate.

—–

Quiet creepers cruising down our roads,

Sneaking up upon – distracted texting traffic foes!

Install those pipes of shiny chrome and wrap;

Announce arrivals before an impact flap.

—–

V-twin motors burn the carbon hot!

AlGore’s global warming – is our lot.

Last winter was a cold one; don’t you know…

High test fill-up once again; then go-

Accelerate past Starbucks just for show.

Photon Powered Pistons

September 1, 2011

Sadly, this past week a White House touted solar cell company in California went bust. Solar technology is THE brass ring to green energy, but it seems we just can’t get there today. OK – let’s be realistic. Keep working towards the solar solution; fine. But don’t try to sell an energy pig in a poke today. Get it right, then bring it to market PLEASE!! In the mean time I’ll use my gas and pistons to ride-

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Ceasless progress below the sun,

knowing more efficient fun.

Silicon with volts comprise;

gadgets without gas surprise-

Today my ride on pistons – flys!

—–

Panels capture sunlight bright,

built in factories clean and tight.

Lefties mouth a future fine,

except for costs; a cautious sign!

Today my ride on pistons is devine.

—–

Learn we must to use the light-

that God provides and is delight!

Toil on to find the sunshine key;

Electrons flow from sand for free!

Today my ride on pistons set at fifty-two degrees.

Waxing Rider

April 4, 2011

Spring is upon us, and summer is just around the corner. Keeping your bike looking great requires hours of waxing; oh, and plenty of elbow grease! Note: this poem is a work in progress and may be updated periodically.

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Washing blue metal, hands on concrete;

drops of sweat dripping; the chopper looks neat.

Polish the headlight, primary all chrome,

the blinkers must sparkle before I can roam.

—–

Some others in darkness,

all black; tins and heads-

they carelessly wander

cast gloom, fear and dread.

—–

Cheerfully focus, dull spots get more grease.

Always there’s grit, endless job doesn’t cease.

The goal is to glisten; sore muscles and backs-

Solution is simple, buy more Turtle Wax!

Weekend Calorie Rider

March 19, 2011

More than two thousand years ago a group of jewish separatists authored what we call the ‘Dead Sea Scrolls’. Scholars contend that from these writings we can determine much about their beliefs and even their daily lives. This begs the question – what will be the defining attributes of our culture should someone dig up our way of life many years hence? I suggest it will probably be fast food lingo… And yes – I’m sure if I were to submit this poem to the editors of the New Yorker magazine; it would be gleefully rejected. I must use too many semicolons!

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Quiet dry road in early calm,

rat racers in repose; remain.

A weekend yet in stillness balm;

Roar on towards nurishment’s refrain.

—–

Cheerful lights and happy signs-

Fresh and warm; my wheels slow.

She smiles and greets; familiar lines.

“Will this be for here; or to go”?

Taxing V-Twin

March 14, 2011

Tax time comes every year – just about the time things are starting to warm up. But you have to be sure there is enough going to uncle sam before you commit to getting that new motorcycle!

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Taxation vexation,

I need a V-Twin;

Escape this 1040,

A refund to win!

—–

Income, disbursements;

those medical bills.

My handlebars becon-

go ride through the hills.

—–

Property taxes,

and tithing – I pray;

will ¬†find open spaces…

on schedule A.

—–

Additions completed,

subtractions are few.

A stamp for the postman-

My old bike will do.

asteroid impact biker

February 25, 2011

Some people don’t realize the asteroid threat to earth. It seems strange to many that a big rock could fall from above and crush their way of life. Well, if you’re one of those liberal democrats – you’d better listen up to your big brother! The Feds believe in it. They have allocated BILLIONS towards research to find and counter outer space threats. It’s very interesting that the Book of Revelation says one day a massive object will hit one of our oceans… Hopefully, I’ll be riding my motorcycle away from the impact zone! I thought I’d write this poem in e e cummings’ style

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frights and ills beset us dearly

earthquakes floods and famines yearly

celestial peace it gives us light

except the asteroids smash us might

—–

motorcycles quick they run

gas mileage fair when day is done

but can my steed outrun a stone

a mile wide from heaven thrown

—–

listen close to scientists

they have the smarts and they keep lists

predictions say were safe today

but keep gas in your bike always

—–

the stars may fall quite suddenly

tunguskas warning fresh you see

i ride to flee the impact zone

find higher ground to make my own

Kuykendahl Volunteer Motorcycle Philosophy Forum

November 25, 2010

Firstly, the administration. In writing this poem, it turned out to be a piece of verse in what I term ‘The New Yorker School of Poetry’ – which is to say that it doesn’t really have consistent rhyme or rhythm. It’s more like free verse with a little rhyme. OK, enough admin. Do you ever need to commiserate with your associates? So do motorcyclists and bikers. I do it near Kuykendahl Road. Oh, and it is all volunteer work.

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Not every day will you find us there, but pretty much-

we volunteer to solve the nation’s ills,

while settled back; above twin cylinders we ride;

near Kuykendahl Road to share our thoughts.

—–

Some scars of Vietnam to heal, with grocery prices rising,

tattoos and smokes are often shared but not universally.

Handlebars make camaraderie,

as banter percolates discourse on riding best of breed.

—–

So park your bike in the coffee shop lot,

no need to order, just show your face.

Grab a chair on the leeward side.

Politics and motorcycle talk proliferates apace.

—–

Old heads who ride those Harleys proud,

and college grads with Hondas sneak upon the group in style-

Young guns on Kawasakis fast and true arrive without their reservations,

yet all mix to speak of weather, spouses and current tribulations.

—–

Some days just two hold court to chat,

beside the traffic’s screech and clatter at the light.

A stealthy biker passes by; pipes loud!

which prompts more talk of who rides right.

—–

Conservatives sit confident in their unruffled best,

our group it welcomes liberals and others; its our quest.

We, most of us; depart with sunset due- and carefully.

To ride creations wonder; then philosophize when day is new.

Precious Metal Motorbike

November 15, 2010

Since everyone is printing money in an attempt to save government pensions, it’s about time we invest in a motorcycle made of more valuable metals.

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Inadequate the iron and chrome of yesterday’s machine,

One needs to see the value of a silver engine head;

and handlebars of platinum with a throttle made of gold.

Your paper money floats away – stock portfolios are lead.

—–

The answer now, of course, is a ride of rare earth mass,

To offset printing presses here and in the Euro zone.

A seat of finest leather and the tooling is of brass,

Tires rolling smoothly though they are inflation prone.